Finding your way after divorce. It's a journey of discovering yourself, finding support, closing the door and moving forward Learning to reimagine your dreams for happiness and abundance!

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Sunday, December 22, 2019

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8 Self-Care Tips During Divorce



8 Self-Care Tips To Get You Through Divorce



1. Break-up with Class
It is so easy to head down the road of bitterness and anger when facing a divorce. Stay true to yourself and remember that your partner does not need to agree with you nor do they have to understand your side.  You can only control yourself and as hard as it is to do, take the high road.  Do not beg or plead for your partner to take you back or work on things. Remember you deserve to be loved and cherished as you are.  If your partner treats you like an option be brave enough to walk away knowing you are opening the door to someone who will appreciate you. 

2.Take joint responsibility
Although this is very difficult especially if you have been wronged.  Put your ego aside and and take responsibility for your role in the relationship (even if it is a silent responsibility).  Although we may have not been the one who broke the relationship, everyone makes mistakes and there are most likely times when you could have handled things better. 

3. Talk, talk, talk (but don't bad mouth and stay out of the negativity) Find a loyal friend or family member to talk to. One of the most difficult things I found was that people don't always want to hear your sob story. Yet, talking is so important to healing.  If you friends and family have had enough of hearing your drama, find a good counselor, write to yourself or your ex in a journal, talk to your dog. Whatever it takes, process that garbage and be rid of it! 

4. Focus on the basics. Take each day one day at a time.  Don't worry about the future. Take care of yourself, focus on the needs of your job, the children, your bills and activities of daily life.  When we allow what ifs and the future to enter our mind if is an overwhelming storm.  Focus on the day to day and do not dwell of the other things. 

  1. 5.Exercise! Exercise is not only good for the body, but it is good for the mind as well.  Exercise releases feel good hormones which make your outlook more positive and it allows you to handle difficult situations with control.  Furthermore, it is a great way to release stress from the body which can build up and cause physical illness on top of the already strained body and mind.

  2. 5. Practice self-compassion. Self compassion was something I struggled with a lot. The mistakes I made played over and over in my head which only lead to feeling like a failure. Remember this one event does not define you as a person.  Sure, maybe you made mistakes, but so did your partner.  After all it takes two to make a marriage work.  So, forgive yourself and start paying attention to awesome you truly are. 

  3. 6.Join a group- Find a support group.  Many churches have support groups and/or divorce care groups.  Check out your local Meetup groups for others that may have similar interests as you. It will give you something positive to focus on and you may meet new friends.  You local medical hospitals and clinic may also have support groups that focus on mental health and self care during challenging times.  There are resources out there. You just have to be brave enough to venture out of your comfort zone.  Groups can be a game changer! 

7. Practice Gratitude.   It is very easy to get swept down the worm hole of negativity during a divorce.  There can be so much hurt, disappointment, and devastation it is difficult to see a bright side.  However, starting a gratitude practice is a life savor.  Make it a practice. Try writing every morning while driving your coffee one thing you are grateful for. If writing is not your thing, make it a ritual to name three things you are thankful for while you take your shower.....even if it is having running water....it is something positive.   Having problems with this? Start small. The positive energy will build and before you know it things will look much more hopeful. 

8. Meditate- Mediation is a useful tool to help us gain control over our incessant thinking minds.  Taking time out to breathe and slow the mind literally changes the brain's wiring.  Meditation has been proven to aid in focus, concentration, and lower stress and blood pressure.  There are many apps out there to help guild you in meditation.  Try Insight Timer or Calm for instance to get a feel. They are free and can useful tools. 

Saturday, December 21, 2019

Surviving the Holiday During Divorce

If you are in the midst of divorce or newly divorced, you probably are feelings emotionally bruised and less than joyful this holiday season. It is common for loneliness and sadness to set in about missing out on holiday celebrations with your children, family or simply being nostalgic about holiday traditions. The combination of the pain of divorce with expectation of being merry during the holidays often compounds the feelings of loss, and it is no wonder many experiences depression, anger and isolation.
Even if your head knows divorce is the right thing, the heart often lags behind and adjusting to this new normal is a challenge for anyone. There are many things you can do to help navigate this time of the year in a positive fashion. Here are a few tips that may be helpful in your journey…. 
1.     Do not make big decisions: Although the temptation to get things over with may be looming, making big decisions this time of year is not a good idea.  There is already enough stress during the holidays; don’t take on more.  There will be time to make decisions after the holiday bustle in over. 
2.     Avoid additional tension with your ex: It might mean taking the high road and pretending to be unphased, but for the sake of your children and yourself don’t engage in negativity with your ex. Being pleasant goes a long way toward reducing tension. After all the greatest revenge is for you ex to see you thriving on your own.
3.     Self-care: Taking care of yourself is essential. Practice engaging in positive self-talk, meditate, journal, take walks, bubble baths, read a book, and talk to a friend. Anything that is an  investment in your mental health is self-care.
4.     Practice Positivity: Learning not to judge others especially when we feel wronged is an art and takes practice, but not only does negativity breed negativity, it creates internal conflict within your children and family because they feel caught in the middle. Stop the negative thinking by being mindful of your thoughts, acknowledging them, and then releasing them to the universe. You will feel more at peace, your family will not feel torn, and karma can take its course. 
5.     Find some fun: When was the last time you did something fun? It has probably been a while. Treat yourself to the gift of something you enjoy…. laugh,  be silly, and goofy. It’s the perfect present for yourself to allow healing to take hold. 
6.     Start new traditions: Old traditions hold special memories and are bound to be missed, but start a new tradition or two.  Cut down your own tree, bake cookies for a cookie exchange, volunteer at a nursing home, or take a trip somewhere you have always wanted to go.  This is the perfect time to start a new tradition and find your own happiness! 
7.     Connect with family: One thing that can help is connecting with extended family. Your extended family can provide you with a loving place to be nurtured, to have some fun, and to feel loved. Reach out this season to your parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles. If you don’t have family start new traditions with good friends or volunteer your time serving others. 
I wish you much love, peace, and healing this holiday season.

Reimagine Your Dreams


No one ever enters in to marriage thinking it will end in divorce. In fact, most of us think that will never be me, we love each other, we can work through anything. Life has a way of taking us on a journey of bumps and bruises and inexplicable roads that never could have been imagined. And...on that dusty path somehow we get off course, make mistakes, give up pieces of ourselves and eventually find ourselves lost in what is called life.  Until one day the unthinkable happens; that one person who you thought would always protect you from the storm becomes the storm itself. Perhaps you saw it coming, or maybe your were sucker punched in the gut gasping for breath just to survive the moment. Maybe you were the one who made the choice to walk away...no matter, divorce is hard. It leave you traumatized and scrambling to figure out who you are without your other half for better or for worse.

This blog, I have created, yes selfishly, to heal my own wounds, as I travel the road to finding myself after twenty eight years of marriage and having raised three adult children, but also as a place to share tips, stories, and provide support to the millions of people who have unexpectedly found themselves on this all too crowded road to recovery.  My goal is to find a life of abundance and happiness beyond my wildest dream, and I hope you do too!